21.03.2020

Life is a lie, at least it feels very much like it. The number of people from our generation that behave like fake poets in our world to attempt to possess some kind of depth is astounding. When we were younger we were all taught morals and values in some form or the other. We were raised to separate good from bad and to understand the differences. So, why is everything the way it is now ? Honestly when some disaster befalls an individual, or people in generally, I almost feel like they deserve it . Three years ago, I used to stay up every night over thinking pointless things, “Why do people only ever pay attention to selfless kind people when they need something, and then pretend they existed after they’ve got what they needed?” “Why do countless women constantly preach about the kind of guy they want to date and then end up dating the exact opposite?”, “Why is it okay to accept the fact that people can lose themselves in liquor and drugs, but not religion?” , “Why do toxic people always come out the happiest?”, “Living by my personal quadruple standards is killing me, but living by the average personal standards of a person would make me want to kill myself out of guilt?”, “Why is it important to be nice rather than kind, as if superficial politeness trumps being a genuine person?”, “How do you hire a person who could not commit to a marriage, but expect them to have the integrity to commit to a job?”. And then I stopped over thinking these thoughts because of the migraines that followed. And then I had no choice but to stop, even though the migraines plague me to this day. I decided that I wanted to be a simple person who was happy, not someone constantly drowning in a suffocating vortex of thoughts. But the fake poets are still playing victim to blanket all their sins and actions, girls are still leaving good men on read and waiting impatiently for their next fight with their boarfriend, we’re still okay with our friends being horrible, just as long as their “savage”. I changed my mindset but the world remained the same. I could easily switch sides, it would be easier wouldn’t it ? But I don’t want it, causing pain for others in exchange for some kind of fading satisfaction. I’m not sure why all these thoughts have resurfaced, I was doing pretty well actually, managed to hide my thoughts away, or rather hide myself from those thoughts. Maybe I locked them in instead rather then letting them out ? I don’t know, but I know I don’t care. I’ve been happier ever since I ended the over thinking, so why the sudden loadshedding of happiness and the sudden surge of thoughts ? Perhaps it’s because the past seems to be repeating itself in an all too familiar way, I have changed yet the world has not, and it continues to smother me. Do I feel like I’m being redundant, I don’t know, I’m not sure where I’m even going with this. It’s so hard to make friends, it’s even harder to fall in love. The people here feel dead, they feel more like the abstract inner demons that they’re constantly on about. We tell ourselves that we’re content with who we are and wrongly believe that there’s no need to better ourselves. Yet we want the people surrounding us to either be better people or end up the topic of gossip at our table during the lunch break. I know the part that I have to play and nature shall compel me to act even when I don’t want to. I’m here to help people regardless of who they are and I’ll do my best. And if they get something out of that, good for them, I don’t need to be apart of whatever they’ve achieved or become as a result. In fact distancing myself as soon as their success blossoms is ideal. But what if they fail ? What if a person gets what they deserve ? Why is it wrong for me to take a silent satisfaction in their karma, even if I wished no ill will upon them ? Why is it more acceptable for them to cause misery but less acceptable to have this pointed out ? I apologize, these thoughts  and words are harsh, you can despise me for it and you’d probably be right. I’d also agree with you. These are hurtful words and yet this seems like a medium where I can just hurl it into. It’s not even something that I need to get of my chest, but it does feel like I’m taking out the garbage. If this were a Billie Eilish song it would go viral, but this is just a random post that I can look at later and either cringe or laugh at. I’m not sure how to end this, but I’ll start by saying Thank You.

One Comment Add yours

  1. It was a good read. Sometimes being a good person is all we can do…

    Like

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